Leaked: India’s Handbook for Handling Terror Attacks…Or….How To Tackle Terror Attacks in India for Dummies..

Most of the Countries have got elaborate specifications and handbooks written down for how to handle various kinds of attacks.

US has got specific instructions in their handbooks like “Do not negotiate with Terrorists” and “Bomb some Muslim country after any Terrorist attack”

We, in India have our own specifications.

Infact we have a Handbook of our own and India is supposed to respond in exactly as per the instructions given below.

1. Terror Attack Takes place.
2. Wake Up and Switch on News Channel to understand the situation at the place of attack.
3. If the same news is being shown on more than 2 channels at the same time, Go To Office.
4. Issue Media Statement saying “We have everything under control”
5. Call in the Top bosses and have a meeting.
6. Issue Media statement saying “Terrorists are being surrounded”.
7. Send a Tweet about some unrelated topic eg: Yoga. (Refer Annexure 1 for what topics you can or cannot send a Tweet about)
8. Send in NSG
9. Watch TV News Channel, preferrably NDTV, to recieve a minute by minute update of the NSG activities.
10. Confirm NSG has taken care of the Terrorists and Combing operations are over.
11. Give Media statement and blame Pakistan
12. Call up Pakistan and give them “Strong Message”. Refuse invitations for Birthday parties for the next few months.
13. Give free hand to Arnab Goswami to call up Pakistani Ex-Generals on his Channel and blast them off….verbally.
14. Blame the Opposition for 60 years of misrule.
15. Receive message from Pakistan about them needing more information.
16. Blame Pakistan in International Court or Complain to USA.
17. Chest Thump when Pakistan detains a few alleged Terrorists from Organizations which were already banned in Pakistan for a decade.
18. Cancel any immediate Bi-lateral talks with Pakistan. Cancel Cricket matches to be played with Pakistan, if any.
19. Claim Thumping Victory over Terrorists.
20. Wait for the next Terror Attack.

This handbook is being consistently followed every year. Ofcourse there are certain other points which are not included in the official handbook like “Find an unimportant Scapegoat” and “Ask for someone’s resignation”.

There apparently is an unofficial handbook written for that.

Disclaimer: Since, this is only the first draft of the Handbook that we could get our hands on, it might not be a complete one. An improved version might be available soon.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Parijat says:

    Advise the Bhakts to go totally silent and underground while the attack is happening.
    They can prepare tribute posts for those brave soldiers killed in the action.
    The PM to maintain total and deafening silence all this while.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aha you seem to have got your hands on the unofficial handbook too 😝

      Like

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