Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to yet another episode of our immensely popular segment …. Kele Pe Kachra. Today, in our studio, along with our Inebriated Interviewer, we have, the Man whose grasp on the Economy of India, is as firm as Mike Tyson’s grasp on a violin …. CHOKINGGGGGG !!!…. So, without much further ado, we present to you…Mr. A Runnnnnnnnn Jet Liiiiiiiii !!
II: Welcome to the studio, Sir. Please make yourself comfortable.
AJ: I am always comfortable even when I am in a place that I am not suited for. Thanks.
II: Talking of places you are not suited for, Sir, its been 3 years since you are the Finance Minister, how do you feel?
AJ: Actually, I am more of a Defence Minister than the Finance Minister.
II: Yes, but you are also heading the Finance Ministry…..
AJ: I am more “Defending” the Finance Ministry, so 90% Defence Minister, I would say.
II: Oh Okay, so what are your views about Demonetization, now that RBI has submitted its report?
AJ: Demonetization was a HUGE success. A HUGE SUCCESS, and if you do not believe me, you have to just check the hashtag trending on Twitter.
II: Right. So did Demonetization manage to fulfill the intentions behind it?
AJ: Ofcourse, it did !! People stood on the streets to cheer it.
II: So Terrorism came down?
AJ: Reducing Terrorism was not the intention of Demonetization
II: Black Money was reduced?
AJ: Reducing Black Money was not the intention of Demonetization.
II: Did the Economy improve?
AJ: Improving Economy was not the intention of Demonetization.
II: Was Fake Currency reduced?
AJ: Fake currency reduction was not the intention of Demonetization.
II: So what was the intention of Demonetization?
AJ: The intention of Demonetization was a Cashless society and we were hugely successful in that.
II: Meaning a society which has no cash in their pockets?
AJ: No No. Cashless does not mean cash-less. It means LESS-cash. We are allowed to take poetic liberty with our words.
II: Sir, but the Cash transactions have returned back to what they were before Demonetization. So how can you claim that we have Less-Cash now?
AJ: Ufff, you dont understand. See we banned Rs. 1000 and Rs. 500 notes. And then we introduced Rs. 2000 and Rs. 500 notes (new). Right?? Now if you have noticed, the Rs. 2000 and Rs. 500 new notes we of a smaller size than the old notes. Smaller…. Lesser. So even if we have the same cash flowing back in the economy, its still LESS IN SIZE !!!! Less Cash !!! Simple.
II: Errr…. okay, another question. It was stated by the Government in December 2016, that they had started shredding the demonetized notes. Infact we even saw videos of the old notes being shredded. So if the notes were being shredded since then, what was the RBI counting and recounting?
AJ: Ah, see, we had to go back to the note shredders and take all the shredded notes back for the recount. We had to stick back the shredded notes using Joker gum so that they can be counted again. Urjit Bhai personally blew hot air from his mouth on the stuck notes to dry off the gum….it was a mammoth task.
II: Sir, one final question, when do you think the Black Money will come back to India?
AJ: See, till now we have given you Pink Money and Green Money. We have just launched Yellow Money for Rs. 200 notes and we have further plans to launch Blue Money in the form of new Rs. 50 notes. The next step is to launch a Rs. 3000 note and this will be black in color. When that comes in the market we can safely conclude that Black Money is returned.
II: Sir, thank you for answering our questions with such patience, we do hope that the People of this Nation will continue to have the same amount of patience while listening to your answers.
AJ: You are welcome, I will take your leave now. Modi Ji has promised a Cabinet Reshuffle tomorrow and I have my eyes on a few more portfolios which I would like to grab.So Bye
Disclaimer: This transcript of the interview was thrown into our office tied to a stone. Our Inebriated Interviewer is currently unavailable for further comments but will be back with his next interview soon.