An Open Letter to Sanjay Leela Bhansali, Deepika Padmavati Padukone and Ranveer Singh Khilji.

Dear Mr. Bhansali,

I am writing this as an open letter to you because, firstly, I do not have your postal address, and secondly, who doesnt like some Likes and Shares, while riding on the popularity of others, right?

But more than that, the issue that I am writing about is of a serious concern.

Your upcoming movie Padmavati !!

As you must be knowing, the movie Padmavati has created more uproar in India, than Rani Padmavati had ever done in the last so many years, ever since the Sufi poet wrote about her folklore. Even the people who had no clue of who Rani Padmavati was, or if she was indeed there, are out there discussing your movie.

But this does not bode well for the Nation, since almost everyone is so engrossed in whether Padmavati will make it to screens or not, that they have completely forgotten that there are other things they have to do.

Why, just the other day, my Boss asked me if I thought Padmavati should be allowed to be released when I was asking him for a raise in my salary. And my reasons for why I deserve the raise, were dismissed by him as a “Complete Distortion of History” !!!

A Big Thanks for this goes to our Media, who seem to be obsessed about Padmavati, holding daily one hour debates on the subject, as if nothing else is happening in the Country.

A high profile defence deal given to a newly formed company with no background, whatsoever, gets ignored by the SEBI and the ACB, because they want to know whether Karni Sena will really chop of Deepika’s nose or not. I know that the Company releasing your movie is linked with the company getting this deal, but still….

A communally polarizing advertisement made by the BJP for the Gujarat elections, where a young woman walks back home, scared out of her wits, to the tune of a Namaaz played in the background, as her parents pray for her safe return, goes unnoticed by the usually sharp Election Commission, who are biting their nails in anticipation of your next press statement clarifying whether Padmavti really knew how to dance or not, even if it was in a dream?

A Karni Sena leader takes out a sword in the middle of a debate on National Television and threatens to cut off your head, but the Police, who are usually so quick about arresting people for even writing a Facebook post about Modi, are way too interested in the release date of your movie, to take a suo moto cognizance of this open threat.

This has got to stop and stopping this is in your hands, Mr. Bhansali.

But dont worry, I am not just going to tell you the problem here, but I am here to offer you a solution too. (No, you dont have to pay me, though I accept PayTM transfers and even Sodexo coupons).

The solution, Mr. Bhansali, is quite simple.

All you have to do is to show that Alauddin Khilji did not win the battle, but actually lost it.

Its pretty simple, you just have to change the end of the movie.

You can show that Rani Padmavati, actually kicked ass of Khilji all across Chittor and threw him into the same pond, in the water of which her face used to reflect, and he drowns in it and dies.

While, you might consider that as a distortion of History, it will go along the same lines as Rana Pratap winning the battle of Haldighati, which has even been endorsed by the Government of Rajasthan….. your movie might even get a Tax Free Certificate and then you dont have to figure out what GST bracket your movie will fall into, even if Arun Jaitley manages to figure it out.

Oh and that dance number of Deepika …. scratch it.

Put in a “Tatar Tatar” number of Ranveer Singh dancing butt naked, in his harem, with a bong in one hand and a bottle of Chivas in the other. Whatever audience you might lose because of the lack of Deepika dancing can be enticed back in the theaters by Ranveer’s butt, you know the same ones who went to watch Befikre, for it.

I know it would make no sense as to why Alauddin Khilji should be dancing butt naked with his harem, but thats alright, it never made sense why Rani Mukerjee had to act like she was a total whacko, when she was actually blind, in your own movie, Black.

And as a finale, you can always glorify the Jauhar at the end. Though people will always ask why the Jauhar was necessary, when Khilji actually lost, but hey, its Bollywood. Did anyone ask you why you went ahead and made Saawariyaan in the first place?

The Bollywood audience will lap up anything you show as long as there is enough finery and dance numbers…. but you already know that since Goliyon Ki Raasleela – Raam Leela become a hit despite no one having a clue, what it was about.

So, Mr. Bhansali, please consider all the suggestions that I have given, in this letter to you, very seriously, make the changes and maybe you will be able to release the movie with no one chopping off your head for a Rs. 15 Crore bounty.

(Yes, its Rs. 15 Crore since BJP Haryana leader has topped up Rs. 10 Crore to the Rs. 5 Crore of Karni Sena).

You might be wondering why I have addressed this open letter to Deepika and Ranveer too, where as it is mostly directed at yourself, Mr. Bhansali.

That’s pretty simple. Its for the same reason why you have a Priyanka Chopra item song number in a movie which has nothing to do with her.

Its for the same reason that the owner of Viacom18, the producers of your movie, used Modi’s face to sell his Jio phones. 😉

Star Power pulls in more numbers, doesnt matter what the quality of the product is.

Your Sincerely,

A Concerned Citizen who looks for Historical References in Bollywood movies instead of going to a Library

Disclaimer: Hope this letter is read by Sanjay Leela Bhansali, before they start hanging his posters outside the post office with the bounty reward on his head, like they used to do in the Wild Wild West.