With the year-end at March drawing near, I am sure most of you people would be busy with making your year end presentations.
At such times, one of the biggest worries is how to make these presentations, since our increments depend on how well we portray the performance of our team.
But don’t worry !!! Here are some smart strategies that you can use for making your Performance Presentations:
1. The “Chaadi Pehen Ke Lotus Khila Hain” Strategy:
This is one of the smartest strategies you will ever come across and that’s why I am placing this first. In this strategy, your presentation should be based on how bad the previous year was and how the previous team did absolutely nothing. You should blame the previous team on the lack of performance on your team and then smartly ask that the previous team should resign.
The graphs should be made in such a way that the actual bar-charts and figures are hidden in one corner and the faces of your team members are highlighted.
If your Boss asks you any tricky questions, you should say that, it is all written in the Vedas and blame him for not knowing about it beforehand.
2. The “Open Palm In Your Face” Strategy:
In this technique you should keep your palm open all the time, facing your boss while you present something. This strategy is usually used when your team is clueless about what has actually happened in the past year or how their performance has been.
If your team’s performance is poor, all you have to do is sit there with an indifferent attitude and say, “Hah give the job to someone else and see how poorly they do and then talk to us”.
This strategy also calls for a fantastic command on English. Try and throw as many high level English words at your Boss. The idea is to keep him busy looking at the dictionary, so that he doesn’t manage to ask you any questions.
3. The “Elephant Riding a Cycle” strategy:
This strategy cannot be implemented on its own. You will need to join hands with at least one other team. Then you combine the results of both the teams and show it as an individual achievement. Both the teams can make the same presentation separately and claim individual credit for the achievements.
4. The “Rang De Mujhe Rang De, Mujhe Rang De Rang De Mujhe Rang De” Strategy:
This strategy needs an extreme amount of speed and cunning. You have to somehow convince your boss that the problem of poor performance has nothing to do with your own lack of focus but because of the way your office chairs are lined up or because your team traveled to a wrong place…..say Noida.
Once your Boss is convinced about this, you come up with the plan of painting everything, from chairs, to desks, to laptops, to walls, to the Boss’s trousers in one single color. You can choose any color, though I suggest you stay away from Green, Red or Blue and go for Orange, Saffron or Geruha.
While your Boss is busy trying to figure out what is happening, you would be giving his hair a peroxide bath.
5. The “Hiding Tiger, Shouting Monkey” Strategy:
This is a very tricky strategy and use it only if your Boss is not a strict one.
As soon as the presentation starts claim that you are quitting the company. Then say you are not. Then again say you are not happy with the company and that you will quit soon. Then don’t quit. Then tell them you dont get enough resources to do the work and so you are quitting. Then dont quit. Keep this up till the time for presentation is over.
6. The “Pointing Your Jhaadu at Others” Strategy:
Start the presentation with blaming the Boss. Make three slides which show what a horrible person the Boss is. Then make allegations against the CEO, the Managers, the Board of Directors and everyone else but yourself. Claim that you have evidence to prove how these people are themselves sabotaging the development of the company and not letting you perform.
This can be effectively done by waving a bunch of papers in the air under everyone’s nose, without actually showing the papers to everyone.
Keep blaming everyone through out the presentation.
Do not forget to send an apology letter, taking back all your allegations, in April, just before your increments, or you might end up sweeping the floor of your office with a Jhaadu.
7. The “Ache Din Megalomania” Strategy:
The success of this strategy depends on an extensively prepared presentation and a very good speaker from your team, who wears excellent clothes and has had a previous experience of acting.
Speak without looking at the presentation. Claim how you work 8 days in a week and don’t sleep on Sundays, staying awake without drinking any water.
Claim credit for the performance of all the other teams including the past years performances by simply re-naming their work and calling it your own.
Throw in some acronyms about random stuff that is not related to your work.
Try and change your clothes a couple of times in the middle of the presentation.
Refer to yourself in Third Person, whenever possible.
If you feel that the Boss is not falling for your presentation, start crying and say, “Kill Me. Beat Me. Thrash Me.”
If your Boss asks you any tough questions, say, “Buss Dosti Bani Rahe” and take a sip of water.
So, these are the strategies that you can use for the year ending performance presentations. There are numerous other strategies available, like claiming your Inner conscience does not allow you to make any presentations, but these have proved to be the most successful ones.
Disclaimer: These strategies guarantee the best results. Please pass on 2% of your increment to me for giving you this Corporate Gyaan. In case you get fired, don’t blame me, it was your mistake for not doing it right.
The Desi Cracked Pot 